We’ve talked about lying in love relationships before, but now we’ll address some of the more common lies which used to leverage a relationship to bend to your personal will. In reality, these lies only manage to create more distance and misunderstanding. Here are seven of the most common lies (phrases) used for these purposes, and how best to deal with them.
“I’m not mad!”
Nobody likes to be told that they are mad or upset, and if you approach a partner head on with this question, you will probably get this answer. Instead of stating the obvious, the best tactic to soothe an angry partner is to take a step back (lower your thermostat), give good eye contact, listen, respect, and communicate with them honestly.
“You do whatever you want”
This statement is reverse psychology at its finest. Your partner has tried to reason with you, and now they are counting on guilt to be their wings of justice. This is a form of playing a martyr (victim), but it rarely has the effect your partner desires. Instead of allowing this to be the end of the conversation, take the time to understand both positions, and find a reasonable compromise.
This is one of the most loaded statements you will ever come across, and it usually begs the question, “What’s wrong?” We all know this is a lie designed to avoid conflict, but it usually draws out more of it, simply by its uncooperative and uncommunicative nature. Tell your partner what you need, rather than leaving them frustrated and guessing.
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it”
This phrase is never an invitation to sit and relax, as some partners like to fantasize the first time they hear it. This partner is also playing the martyr, hoping that by watching them lug heavy groceries (or whatever) into the house, you will be filled with such guilt, you will never tell them to “wait” again. The best way to handle this is to give them a reasonable and exact time that you will help, such as “I can get to those groceries in 10 minutes,” — and then do it.
“You always/You never…”
Arguments that begin with these words are for one, weak — and two — they promote defensive behavior. These words are used to build a leverage stronghold, by giving the appearance that a partner is completely one way or another, which is almost never true. Absolute statements add fuel to any fire. By using these words, you are not only failing to provide your partner with useful information to help the situation, but are attacking them personally, which will cause them to shut down and defend themselves, rather than understand, communicate, and compromise.
Occasionally you will find a partner really did not hear you, but often, especially when you are in the same room, this is a way to stall while they think of a good response (as in: “Why is there gasoline in my brand new Tupperware container?”), or as an act of defiance (as in: “Didn’t you hear me, I asked you to get the milk?”). Simply don’t use this word. It will help avoid conflict.
“You were great!”
There’s no place where lies are thrown around more carelessly than in the bedroom. Partners mean well when they tell each other how wonderful they performed between the sheets, but they are actually doing their partner (and themselves) a great disservice. Nobody wins when sex is bad. For one, the sex will continue to be bad, and two, there will be little hope improvement. If you are faking orgasms or suspect your partner is, open communication about what pleases you and your love is best. Experiment and start having fun!