Red Responds: He Left Without Warning

Dear Red,

My husband left me about a year ago (without any warning). I have not heard from him or seen him since then, though I have tried many times to get in touch with him. I am his fourth wife. He told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that it was time for him to move on again. Needless to say I am devastated. He recently filed for a divorce, which I never thought he would do. I keep hoping and praying that he will change his mind and come back. Will he come back or did he leave me for someone else? I just can’t seem to move on. I love him so much and I thought he loved me too. He told me all the time that he did and that he couldn’t live without me and would never leave me. I just don’t understand how and why this happened. Please help!?

– Patti from Pittsburgh

Dear Patti,

There is no easy or polite way to tell you that your husband is firm in his convictions, but he is. The divorce will go through, because it is what he wants.

He will be back for one last go-round with you, but his appearance doesn’t change the outcome. He is not capable of coming back to you to make this work out. All he will manage to do is give you a glimmer of false hope and hurt you again. Be prepared, for you will hear from him this fall, most likely in the month of September.

I’m not sure if this is going to help you or hurt you, but he has been with a couple of women since you last saw him. This man is just not good at being or staying committed. I don’t see that changing within him. It is part of who he is.

Unfortunately, the love you feel for him is not returned. He loved you as best as he could, for as long as he could. He tried. Even if you had paid attention to the signs and not his statements, the outcome would still have been the same. He wanted to be as in love with you as he said, but this man falls out of love as easily as he falls into it. Unfortunately, this leaves you in pain while he is carefree.

You can move on, Patti. But you have to choose to. It has to be a conscious effort. You can spend your days waiting, missing him, trying to understand things that you will never have an explanation for – or you can take back your life.

Under all of your pain, you have a lot of love to give. You can choose to keep giving it to a man who has become mainly a figment of your imagination and completely unaware of the gift, or you can free yourself from the past and let the future unfold.

Your husband ended your marriage, without your permission or consent. You can’t change that. Nevertheless, if you learn to accept it, you can free yourself from living loveless in a place of stagnation. You’ve waited long enough. It is time to move on.

I am sorry.

Brightest Blessings,

Ext. 9226

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