Red Responds: Caught Between Two Really Good Men

Dear Red,

I have recently found myself caught between two really good men (which is truly rare for me).

On one hand, I met this wonderful guy, who has so far been an incredible boyfriend. He writes the sweetest e-mails, calls regularly and is incredibly attractive.

On the other hand, part of me still has strong feelings for my best guy friend, who I’ve known for almost 10 years now. Over the years, I’ve had crushes on him off and on, though I really am not sure about how he feels about me. He has gone out of his way for me, including driving a total of 9 hours just to go see me at my college graduation (all the while sitting next to another friend of mine that he doesn’t particulary like).

What should I do? My heart is torn between the two. Should I just wait and see how things play out? Or should I just walk away from both, and avoid all the conflict? I just don’t want anyone to get hurt…

Monique in San Antonio

Dear Monique,

Someone is already hurting, and that someone is you. Why all the pressure on yourself to resign yourself to one man?

Your best guy friend is just that – your best guy friend. I know that your feelings for him seem to ebb and flow with the transitions of life, but I’m not seeing this relationship turning into a burning romance. He cares about you a great deal, but not as a lover. I would advise you to maintain this relationship as an awesome friendship. Anything more is not only going to complicate things, but it also could be damaging to what could be a life-long friendship. I’d hate to see you throw that away, but ultimately the choice is yours.

As for your boyfriend, I don’t see you wanting to walk away from him at this point in time, nor do I see you mentally planning a wedding. It’s as if he meets the criteria, but the passion and depth of emotion that you think you should feel for him is lacking. Talk to him. You need to be honest with him about your feelings and set some boundaries on how to handle this relationship that works for both of you. While I don’t necessarily see this relationship blooming into the be-all and end-all, I’m also not seeing the need to remove him from your life at this time, either.

While neither of these guys are going to fulfill your fantasy of that perfect relationship, currently they each bring you more happiness than pain. So take the pressure off of yourself and enjoy the fact that there are two men who see you for who you are. Every relationship, regardless of how surface or how deep, brings with it some level of conflict. It’s part of the human experience, and you are allowed to be human.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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